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emotional resilience

3/21/2014

9 Comments

 
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Many times when I start working with my clients, they come to me because they are unhappy in relationships and they blame their partner for their unhappiness. It is difficult for them to understand that nobody can really make you happy or unhappy. It is our thoughts that create our feelings and consequently our behaviors and actions.

Emotions are what they are.  They are just like the weather. Some days we feel happy, confident, joyful and excited. Other times we feel sad, hopeless, angry, or defeated. Just like sun is not always shining; there are stormy and rainy days. Do we question the weather?

When I was a student of Zen meditation practice I have learned to accept my feelings more and more. After meditating for over 15 years, I am able to guide my thoughts more efficiently. That is not to say that I am better than anybody else or that I don’t have days when I experience negative emotions; I just have more tools and more practice; however learning to manage our emotions is a life-long journey.

The first step is to become an observer and get in touch with yourself. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Whose thoughts and beliefs are these? Are these my own beliefs or somebody else’s? We form our beliefs before we are seven years old and as adults, we don’t even remember them anymore.

Dr.  Neil Kobrin, the author of “Emotional Well-Being” and the Founder of the Academy of Mindful Psychology says that we need to accept that everything in life is impermanent and that in order to manage our emotions, we need to be kind to ourselves and be open to our feelings. I agree with him that we need to stop reacting; instead we need to learn to RESPOND.

This is especially true when it comes to anger and negative emotions. I found this other great book by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edminson, “The Cow in the Parking Lot, A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger.” They talk about 7 key steps to take to prevent angry situations from escalating (p. 134-135).

1.     Make space before speaking or responding.

2.     Check the face and body of the other person so that you understand what is going on.

3.     Consider the consequences of lashing out

4.     Ask yourself: “What assumptions I am making?”

5.     Respect and empathize with your own boundaries, limitations, values, and those of the other person.

6.     Speak from right attitude. Ask yourself, “What do I really need to communicate to this person?”

7.     Deliberately, do not take revenge. In Buddhism, the basic vow is not to harm any other beings.

We also need to adopt the attitude of gratitude and be patient. When we are quiet, the right solution or answer will appear.

Suffering is an essential part of human condition and it cannot be avoided. Buddhists believe that the cause of suffering is our attachment to the outcomes. Many times we get angry because people fail us for one reason or the other. The more that we accept our impermanence and our imperfection, the less we will suffer. To recognize suffering and be willing to express the recognition is the first step out of suffering.

People who have emotional resilience don’t fall apart during challenging times. Instead, they follow their inner guidance and resources and get needed support or professional help. The ideal childhood for a resilient, purposeful adult life may not be the happiest, the most secure, and the most privileged. It must include kindness, enough food, some witness of love, plenty opportunity for self-determination, some fundamental respect, and ability to use talents (Polly Young-Eisendrath, Phd, “The Resilient Spirit”).

When I look at the previous paragraph, I did not experience most of those; yet at the same time, I had to learn to depend on myself, become strong and assertive, and I was driven to understand human nature and relationships. My past suffering has meaning because I have dedicated my life to helping others to heal from trauma, abuse, difficult relationships, and to inspire my clients that there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t suffer in silence. I am a phone call away. Call 561-299-1028 for a complimentary consultation or visit my website www.NaturalStressManagement.com.


9 Comments
Bonnie Nusbaum link
9/2/2014 10:52:29 pm

The observer position for especially volatile conversations is SO helpful! Thanks for posting, Mateja.

Reply
Sangita Patel link
9/2/2014 11:40:50 pm

Thank you Mateja for sharing such a wonderful article on emotion Resilience , great tips. Even though sometimes my physical pain shows up because of the car accident injuries at least now I have healing tools that I can use and it does help. I agree with you , that learning HOW to manage our emotions or pain is very important in life and it is a life long journey :)

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Cher link
9/3/2014 10:42:55 am

Wow Mateja, do I ever love this article. I have lived and resonate with "It is our thoughts that create our feelings and consequently our behaviors and actions." There is an interaction between them and there can be a reverse cycle too. This is so critical in my work with my clients as well when I help them with public speaking and fully expressing themselves.
Thanks again,
Cher Gunderson
Masteryouraccent.com

Reply
Jill Greinke
9/3/2014 11:01:29 am

What a great article Mateja! Getting help and support is so important for emotional healing.

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Kailean Welsh link
9/3/2014 12:54:13 pm

Powerful post in reminding us of the connection between our thoughts and our feelings. I am resonating with the idea that our emotions come and go, like the weather. They are what they are, and we need to figure out the best response to "the weather that day." So many people just react, and end up bouncing all over the place. I am also appreciating the reminder about "assumptions." So many times my assumptions have only added to the difficulty. Thanks for a great post!

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Tina Games link
9/3/2014 12:56:50 pm

What a timely blog post, Mateja! ~ I've been feeling a lot of anxiety this week due to the start of another school year that includes a brand new high school and a school merger (two towns coming together to combine their financial resources). Plus, my kids are rather anxious about the new changes. So the anxiety level has really been heightened in my household! ~ At first, I felt a bit guilty about the level of anxiety I was feeling. But as you say, "Emotions are what they are. They are just like the weather. And do we question the weather?" ~ These words - and your great tips - gave me peace of mind! Thank you! :-)

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veronica link
9/3/2014 02:17:17 pm

Mateja you always speak to the heart. Emotional resilliance is a skill we can develop. When we can tune into what we are feeling in the now we can begin a path to heal. I so appreciate your blog posts and feel you provide a perfect holding for one in need.

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Patricia Young link
9/4/2014 11:25:23 am

Great article Mateja!! I agree, observing is so crucial to understand the relationship between our thoughts and our feelings. Thanks for sharing!! :)

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Teena link
9/4/2014 10:23:40 pm

Mateja - Thank you for sharing your emotional resilience! This is so key for not only our personal growth and development, but it can also help us navigate through life that can often appear on the outside to be so complex yet when we are able to tap into our emotional resilience and utilize our resources inside we can get flow through anything!

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    I am a Licensed Holistic Psychotherapist and a Professional Life Coach focusing on mind-body-spirit healing therapies.

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